vaccination non-elation

i schlepped my two poor, unsuspecting children to the pediatrician this past week for H1N1 shots. of course, i made no mention of the shots ahead of time, and even when we pulled into the parking lot i tried to pull a fast one. "we've come for our vaccinations!" i exclaimed, hoping that i was conveying a sense of excitement. "what are vaccinations?" they asked, as i knew they would. i pretended not to hear as i ushered them through the doors with the promise of the lollipop of their choosing. which really should have alerted them that something was up, but they were still trying to figure out what a what letter the word vaccination started with. i have a history, myself, with shots. if i weren't so vain, i'd offer photographic evidence of my passport photo, taken when i was 19 and headed to europe to study abroad. i was stupid enough to have my picture taken directly after getting a whole round of necessary vaccinations to be approved for international travel, and after sobbing hysterically for two hours before, during, and after the traumatic event, my tear ducts were on such overdrive that my face swelled up to twice its normal size. to this day, i'm absolutely terrified of needles. pierced ears? methinks not. i endured two natural childbirths just to avoid an epidural. but given the choice between subjecting my children to such pain, or dealing with the possibility of being housebound for a week in the winter with two sick kids, i chose option #1. and it was really quite sad, the way the whole thing went down. the nurse called our names in the waiting room and they both jumped up, eager to see what this vaccination business was all about. it apparently sounded quite interesting. "who wants to go first?" i asked, knowing that just the mere mention of the word "first" sends shivers of excitement up and down their spines. "ME!" cried susanna, as she waved her hand wildly in the air like she was amidst a throng of people instead of in a crowd of two. "no, mommy, ME!" retaliated liam, who even had back-up reasoning: "i'm the oldest! i'm almost 5 1/2! it should be me!" and this is where my post draws to a close. i simply can't relive trying to contain their squirmy bodies on my lap as it began to dawn on them just what this whole vaccination thing meant. i can't bear writing about the looks they gave me as they realized how horribly deceitful their mother, the woman they trust most in this world, had been to them. i can't rehash the guilt i felt that while their sweet chubby thighs were being stabbed, i turned my head, unable to watch, the whole time thinking to myself, i'm so glad it's not me. because yes, i'll admit it: i'm not getting the H1N1 vaccine. i'd rather actually have the flu than see a needle come anywhere near me. but you know what? i have reached the age that i can make that choice for myself, as ill-advised as it may turn out to be. i have earned the right to decide what i need and what i don't. yes, thankfully, at this point in my life ... well, i call the shots.