critter control

our house is being overrun by critters.

i've learned recently that that word, "critters", apparently means something different to others than it does to us. to the rest of the world, "critters" might refer to rodents, or pests, or other things that are alive that you really don't want in your house. to us, "critters" are stuffed animals. which actually isn't too far off from the other definition ... they may not be alive, but i really don't want them in my house.

i swear these things reproduce during the day while they're lying around the house and have nothing better to do. we'll return from school or work or errands and find three times as many as when we left, coming out of every storage bin and toy box we own. so every few months, i'll understandably have what i call a Critter Conniption. i will find myself on my hands and knees at 8:02 pm, fruitlessly searching for one particular critter underneath the family room couch so one of my darlings can rest his or her weary head, and it will occur to me how ridiculous this whole scenario is. one lovee, i can understand. i myself slept with a stuffed version of E.T. until i was a senior in college. but seven? eight? 47? where does it stop? so i resolve that TOMORROW, i will initiate a Plush Toy Purge. keep a few of the essentials, weed out the rest. i promise myself that i will do just that.

but then, something happens that makes me change my mind. for example, Critter School. recently, i walked into liam's room to find all 512 of their critters seated on his floor in a well-organized circle, while susanna sat in the rocking chair "reading" a book to them. (i use the term "reading" loosely.) liam informed me as soon as susanna wrapped up story time, he was going to take over and teach them math. afterwards, i watched them gather up all the critters and walk down to the hall for a bathroom break. next up was centers, and then chapel, and then snack time. this went on all morning. another example? Critter Choir. our children like to make their beds by lining up their critters on top of their pillows in rows -- mimicking how they stand in church and sing in children's choir. they try to come up with a different arrangement every day. the beauty of this is that all the while, they have no idea they're actually doing a chore for their allowance.

but trumping Critter School and Critter Choir was what we found last saturday. chris and i were hosting a party that night and of course had a ton of things to do that afternoon -- yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc. amidst all of our tasks, we kind of lost our children for a while. and by "a while", i mean about two hours. don't get me wrong -- they were in the house somewhere, we were sure -- but we had no idea what they were doing. we'd hear peals of laughter, we'd feel the steps shake as they galloped upstairs and downstairs and up again. but we had so much to do that just appreciated the opportunity to do it, and let them be.

finally, they called us. "come see, mommy and daddy!" they squealed. "come look at what we've done!"

i braced myself. they'd had enough unsupervised time to do some serious, irreversible damage on furniture, or walls, or floors. or all of the above. we weren't quite sure what we were going to find.

but there it was: a large circle of upside-down colored plastic wine goblets (pilfered from the kitchen counter, where they were washed and ready for that night's party), in the middle of the upstairs hallway. on top of each goblet was a shoe. inside each shoe was a piece of plastic food from their kitchen set. and in the middle of the circle sat a huge pile of critters. "it's a CRITTER CAKE!" they shrieked, applauding themselves for their ingenuity. "isn't it awesome?"

i didn't get it. i still don't. were the goblets were supposed to be candles? possibly. the shoes on top, the flames? might be. the plastic food tucked inside each shoe? no idea. am i reading way too much into this? definitely.

but i decided, then and there, that the critters will retain their residence here in the mann house. i'm sure i'll regret this decision as soon as i find myself crouched behind the piano one day in the near future, butchering my arm in order to retrieve some dumb critter that's wedged behind it. but i figure if we have some things that bring our kids together, that encourage them to explore their creative sides, and especially, that occupy them for two hours straight -- well, it's all good in my book.

but please, to anyone who's reading this and planning on giving susanna a birthday gift next week ... please, no more critters.